V-Day

 

With the dreaded Valentine’s Day looming it’s always best to think outside the box if you want to get a present that will fill your loved ones face with adoration. A simple trick is to ask your friends what they will be getting their better halves and go one better. So if friend A is playing it safe and getting a dozen red roses, hit the lab and genetically engineer yourself a new breed of rose and name it after your sweetheart. Similarly if friend B is writing a sweet but simple love poem, grab a shovel and a vial of the T-Virus (obligatory zombie reference), dig up one Bill Shakespeare and force him at gun point to write a romantic sonnet.

Or you could go the alternative route and here are a few ideas:

Steven Shainberg’s Secretary isn’t a bad way to go. Rid the bedroom of the bland missionary position with the quirky and often disturbing tale of sadomasochism and office love.

 

 Office Romance

 

If sex doesn’t get your blood pumping perhaps you and your love prefer something a bit more…a bit more… you know.

 

 

 

 

 

The Steven Segal Legacy Boxset! Ask yourself is there honestly anything better in this world than one man blowing shit up? Also ask yourself, if I don’t love Steven Segal films, am I some kind of commie sympathising terrorist? Well are you?

 

 Sock it to 'em

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe sitting around, static and bored isn’t for you. You need something a bit more animated to satisfy your V-Day needs. Oh I have just the thing..Wii Fit!

 

 Yoga is for boys too

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your boyfriend is overweight; he drinks too much and eats too many pies. Emasculate your fella by forcing him to do 30 minutes of yoga every day until he resembles something from GQ.

 

Feeling broody? No didn’t think so. But the best form of contraception is to not have sex! And while you’re not having sex have your lady friend quell her overwhelming desire to bring new life into the world with Imagine Babies.

 Just Imagine!

 

 

 

Or you could just buy a box of chocolates and a Lionel Richtea album, but where’s the fun in that?

 

 

Joshua ‘JD’ Douglas-Walton

  

One Response to “V-Day”

  1. Laura Says:

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    This is why I love you.

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